6:45 AM: Wake up to Dan standing over you and smiling. He gives you kisses; you scowl and get dressed. Mornings are not your thing.
7:00 AM: Feed the animals. First you go to the chicken coop, where the rooster has been crowing for at least forty-five minutes. He will continue to do so at regular intervals for another thirteen hours, as a reminder that it is, indeed, daytime. Give him fresh water and grain.
7:04 AM: Give the hens and chicks fresh water and grain as well. Squeal: "Hello chickies! Cutie chickies! I love you!"
7:06 AM: Break half a loaf of old bread into small pieces; put the bread into a bucket of water. Give this mixture to the relentlessly squawking geese. They honk - "Intruder! INTRUDER!" - and will continue this display for at least one week, at which point they will stop honking at you and direct their interest instead at empty buckets on the ground.
7:08 AM: Walk to the other side of the barn. Stuff two wheelbarrows' worth of hay into several feeders - two big armfuls for the horses, then separate the rest into the goats' pens. Watch as Wonka the Cow sniffs at the feeder, eyes you disdainfully, then walks away, swishing her tail in distaste. She will wait for the fresh grass you'll be raking shortly,
thankyouverymuch.
7:11 AM: Break half a loaf of old bread into a bucket. Mix it with some fresh whey and an old head of lettuce. Give this to Miss Piggy, the barn's resident garbage disposal and recent mother to a single piglet, Dumbo, who has already been fed his bottle by Reneé. Pat her piggy head.
7:15 AM: Eat breakfast. Choose from an assortment of breads, cheeses, jams, and spreads such as peanut butter and cashew butter. Lately you prefer some Speculoos on a Knäckbrot, sprinkled with a bit of Hagelslag. (That would be gingerbread cookie paste spread over a multi-grain cracker, and covered in chocolate sprinkles. Delicious.) Drink the day's first cup of coffee.
7:42 AM: Jump into the car with Reneé and Dan to take the dogs for a walk. Enjoy the early morning quiet, only occasionally interrupted by the dogs as they growl at stray cats, deer, frogs, and a slug or two. Remind yourself to bring your camera on one of these walks, then never remember to for your entire two-week stay.
8:37 AM: Return to the farm. Put the dogs inside the house. Try not to be jealous when they settle back into their beds.
8:45 AM: Bring McLeod and Malaine (a horse and pony, respectively) back from the field where they stay overnight and place them in their daytime pen. Giggle at McLeod, who stands at the fence and watches you, pink tongue hanging goofily from his mouth.
8:52 AM: Major task #1: You and Dan must rake the freshly mowed grass and gather it into two wheelbarrows. Feed the first set to the animals, then leave the second for their afternoon snack. Curse your lack of bicep strength as you watch Dan power though two wheelbarrows in the time it takes you to gather one small pile of grass. Plead with him to rake more grass as you bend and scoop the stray stalks. Notice bits of dirt and manure stuck under your fingernails.
9:16 AM: Having successfully convinced Dan to do most of the raking, bring the second set of wheelbarrows to the entrance of the barn. Attempts to evade Brunotti and Kate Middleton - two mischievous goat sisters who regularly escape their pen - fail. Watch as they stamp most of the grass onto the floor, and then proceed to nibble at your borrowed overalls, or "prison jumpsuits," as Dan calls them. Christen Brunotti as "Bru-naughty," and leave Kate Middleton with the name that suits her. (Bahaha!)
9:23 AM: Bring the other three horses - Cassie, Romke, and Violla - to the field you just raked. Pet Violla's nose as she releases her specialty: incredibly loud and smelly flatulence.
9:34 AM: Head to the refrigerated cheese room. Major task #2: Turn each cheese round upside down, then apply a preservative plastic coating. Finally understand why cheese rinds taste like Barbie doll feet. Vow to invest in a proper cheese knife and slicer, preferably travel-sized.
9:39 AM: Shiver. Wonder where your thick wool sweater is and why it's not currently on your body.
9:43 AM: Contemplate how much cheese you would eat if you got locked in this room. Create emergency plan.
10:01 AM: Cheese mission complete.
10:02 AM: YAY! It's time to
feed Dumbo! You ♥ him; he is precious.
10:17 AM: Walk around the barn for ten minutes, petting every animal that will let you.
10:27 AM: YAY! Coffee break! Gather mugs, spoons, and cookies for dipping.
11:00 AM: Marvel that you've been awake for four hours and it's not even noon.
11:03 AM: Reluctantly get up from the table and head back to the barn. It's time to clean "the sh*t of the horses."
11:18 AM: Discuss with Dan the merits of pitchfork vs. shovel with regards to horse dookie.
11:22 AM: Pitchfork wins.
11:24 AM: Express dismay at the alarmingly chemical smell of horse piss. Frown at Dan when he laughs. Continue to shovel the wet, stinking straw into the tractor "scoop" (real name for this . . . ?) until the pen is finally clean. Sprinkle fresh straw into a nice pile they will piss on later.
12:00 PM: YAY! Lunch time! Enjoy a cheese sandwich and day's third cup of coffee.
12:36 PM: Ask Reneé what else is on the to-do list for today.
12:38 PM: Begin picking berries.
01:17 PM: Quietly sneak away for a poop break.
02:39 PM: Stop picking berries.
02:40 PM: Notice tiny snail crawling out of your berry bucket. Entice him with a dandelion.
02:41 PM: Tiny snail is either afraid of or ignoring the dandelion. Try a leaf instead.
02:42 PM: The snail crawls onto the leaf, triumphantly waving his antennae. You carefully set both snail and leaf under the shade of a nearby tree. Dan comes over, sweating and looking manly, holding his weedwhacker (NOT a double entendre). He asks what you are doing. You show him your new snail friend, "This is my new snail friend." Point your toe and look adorable.
02:54 PM: Reneé comes over and says that's it for the day.
03:00 PM: Go to your room and spend copious amounts of time
on Twitter. Shamelessly promote your blog's
Facebook page.
03:56 PM: Watch reruns of The X-Files using an illegal proxy server. Feel like a badass.
05:13 PM: Wake up in time to assist Reneé with dinner. Wash potatoes, or whatever. Set the table.
06:05 PM: Eat dinner.
07:02 PM: Ask if anyone wants to play a round of Kostenvaarders.
07:03 PM: Wonder why everyone is laughing at you.
07:05 PM: Find out the game is actually called Kolonisten van Catan, or "Settlers of Catan."
07:06 PM: Ask what "kostenvaarders" means.
07:07 PM: Find out that it is a nonsense word you just made up, but could generously be translated as "Pricey Beards." Consider the possibility of creating "Pricey Beards" - a board game about Brooklyn hipsters.
08:24 PM: Lose Kolonisten van Catan to Reneé. Dan reassures you that "at least you came in second."
08:26 PM: Write this blog post.
10:02 PM: Finish writing this blog post.
10:11 PM: Make squirrel faces at Dan when he says it's time for bed. Dance in front of the mirror naked.
10:22 PM: Beg Dan to come downstairs and keep you company while you brush your teeth, even though he's already showered and laying down. Refuse to answer when he asks how many days in a row has it been since you've bathed.
10:51 PM: Fall asleep, safe in the knowledge that absolutely no one will take this blog post seriously.