Easy Exercises for Tired Travelers

Hi traveler! Question: Have you ever felt bloated from too many beers in Berlin? Or perhaps a bit plump from Parisian pastries?  Portly from Polish pierogis? Flabby from Flemish frites? Meatier than an Italian sausage? Beefier than boeuf bourguignon? Well you have come to the right place my friend, for I am the delusional queen of easy exercises to do - on the go! Once you've finished my simple five-step program, you'll be able to aerobicize faster than Jane Fonda, Tai-Bo better than Billy Blanks, flex your pecs like The Situation, pump bigger iron than Tony Little, and generally confuse everyone with oddly sexual thigh-squeezing à la Suzanne Somers.*

So here they are, friends and fellow wayfarers. A workout that you can fit into your carry-on, no Lycra required.

1. The Luggage Lunge

Shockingly, the only thing required for the Luggage Lunge is a piece of hand luggage. And knees. You'll need knees. Anyway, the Luggage Lunge works like this: hold a bag in your right hand (you also need hands. A right and a left will do.), then step forward with your opposite leg. Then dip, baby, dip! Cause when I dip, you dip, we dip. Now just keep switching the bag from hand to hand and lunging forward with each opposite leg. You can do this for entire city blocks, and soon your glutes will be tighter than the average subway car during Tokyo rush hour. Sayonara shitty metaphors cellulite!

2. The Overhead Bin Bicep Curl

This move is best utilized on planes or trains where there is actually an overhead bin for storage. However, should you not have access to either of these because you were recently banned from all public transport since that time you drugged the conductor so you could drive the "choo choo," any high shelf will do. You can even use a tall friend! Just sneak up on them quietly, baggage or heavy object in hand, bring the object chest-high (this is where the "curling" part comes in), then put it on their head. Since most people's heads are round, your bag probably won't stay there, but you'll both have fun. Repeat fifteen times, or until your friend passes out.

3. The Crosswalk Dip a.k.a. The Frogger

Similar to the Luggage Lunge, but not quite the same as this move has the added excitement factor of taking place while you're crossing the street. First, wait for the signal light to turn red. Second, watch for the cars to start coming towards you. Third, begin to cross the street. When you reach the middle, stop, bend at the knees, then jump straight up as high as you can and wave your hands in the air! Like you just don't care! Because you actually don't! Working out is so much fun! YAY! Should you be so inclined, you could also gather three friends and recreate the cover of Abbey Road; however, neither bare feet nor companions are required to reap the multitude of health benefits from the Crosswalk Dip.

4. The Piss Drunk Plank

Get piss drunk. Now plank. This move is best when you're planking on a high perch from which you are likely to fall. As you graduate to the next level of assholery difficulty, you may substitute planking with Tebowing. 

5. Backpacker's Revenge a.k.a. Montezuma's Revenge a.k.a. Traveler's Diarrhea

This has nothing to do with exercising and everything to do with that terrible, terrible doner kebab you ate from the street cart last night. Shame on you.

*Note: Please consult your physician before beginning any new diet or exercise program, especially one that was invented by a travel blogger who has absolutely zero qualifications pertaining to health, nutrition, and/or body conditioning, and who has been known to define "cardio" as the fourteen steps it takes to get from one bar to the next.